couldntpullthetrigger | IC Inbox for crosschecks

[She knows he's there - her eyes flick down to him briefly, but she doesn't look at him, at first. Well, this turned sufficiently awkward at sort of a record pace. What in the world do you tell someone you accidentally blurted out you don't think they feel what they say they do to their face? They don't feel anything at all?

Finally, she looks down, and meets his eyes. Or at least for as long as he can look in her direction.] Hey. [There's a long, bloated pause, before she sighs.]

Let's... let's just get out of here, alright? [The Oubliette is a bad place to talk about this stuff, what with so many Heroes around, and it would be conspicuous if anything went... wrong.

Besides, walking gives them the excuse to take longer to start the whole thing. Even if it makes her, more and more, want to just be quiet and pretend nothing is wrong and just move away from the whole thing - run far, far away from it.

No, she can't do that.]

... And... I wish I knew better what to say. I guess I could apologize, but would that even do any good?

[ She responds...eventually. That's a good step, at least. And she looks about how she sounded in her notes, if that makes any sense. His brows pinch just a little, most of his expressions edging on the side of subtle.

To her suggestion, he nods. Simple, as usual. Though he'd honestly agree to almost anything she wanted at this point. Desperate to un-reverse a Social Link? Yeah. He's feeling it, although maybe not for the reasons she thinks.

So they can start to walk, though...she makes him pause.

Does she need to apologize? ]

...

[ He looks down at the ground for a moment. Shirosaba comes into view by rubbing against his leg, offering moral support. ]

...You don't need to apologize.

[ Minato shifts his gaze back up to Yukari, somehow his hair hiding more of his face than usual. ]

...If that's what you really think, then...I needed to hear it.

But that's not what I - [She wants to protest, but somehow, chokes on what she's about to say.]

L-look, I don't... know what happened after we all fell off that tower, but Irisviel-san... she was so cruel when she woke up. And Nobunaga-san... she was timid, like I'm pretty sure she definitely was not when I first met her. And me... I was just... I couldn't feel anything, really. And... cynical. Like I could say something so mean and it wouldn't matter, so I guess I did. It's like... it's like we were completely the opposite of ourselves, even though I don't know those two very well. [Maybe talking about circumstances will help a little? She laces her fingers together, and holds them behind her back, turning away from him.]

... And then suddenly, just a couple days afterward, I had such a bad nightmare... about falling off that tower, and when I woke up... it's like I could suddenly feel stuff again. Like I was suddenly back to normal, if not worse and... I don't know.

[But she slows after that, coming to a complete stop as she looks at the sky.]

... But I guess that's just an excuse, huh?

I didn't mean it to be that cold. It's just... another one of my insecurities, I guess. So maybe I should say I'm sorry. 'Cuz it wasn't ever supposed to be said, let alone... become a problem.

[ Completely opposite of themselves? What's the point in doing that to people? Yukari said that she'd died, somehow brought back. Isn't dying a punishment enough? He watches her quietly as she talks, explaining.

He's not entirely sure what to say in response. Yukari is someone he's always had to be careful choosing his words around, but he's never felt like he's on such thin ice before, having already taken a few missteps and fallen into the lake.

As they stop, he takes a long, long pause of his own, slowly working over the words in his head. He's learned a lot about the dialogue that's available to him and the reactions it can garner. He didn't used to care. There was definitely something simpler about all of that. ]

...Is it? [ He shakes his head. ] ...What you went through--... [ He's struggling, clearly. ] --I'm sorry that it happened. You didn't deserve it.

[ Even what she's said because of it, she's forgetting that she's a victim of something here. Yukari's strong and doesn't like to see herself in that light, but he doesn't think it's fair to her to completely shift all the guilt because of it. He means what he says, she didn't deserve it. ]

Not supposed to be said...doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Right?

[He might be on thinner ice if she didn't feel so guilty about what she said. Luckily, she managed to snap herself with the recoil. Puts them on much more even footing.

She does laugh, though.] Yeah, but I was the one who fucked it up. I brought all those monsters onto us. So. Maybe I didn't deserve it, but it's still my fault.

[She's not letting him win that one so easily.

She still inhales, so deep the air shudders as her lungs fill completely. Right. Now they're back to the other thing she fucked up.]

You can think bad things about people sometimes and not believe them. [Her wise words.] I said, didn't I...? It's just another insecurity.

[ He's not sure if he'd say it's her fault, but...he understands where she's coming from. She feels a sense of responsibility and that's not surprising when it's Yukari.

An insecurity, huh? ]

...But you're not wrong. [ He might as well confirm it. ] Not entirely.

[This tied into something worse than that. This tied into a feeling like he never cared about her to begin with. That all her fears about chasing things she couldn't really have were right, and the affirmation...

Makes it very, very hard to breathe. Her chest is tight and painful, and her hands clench, tight, at her sides. Her voice shakes when she speaks, but she shoves a smile out to hide it.] Y-yeah? I don't know if I like being right this time. What's 'not entirely' mean, though? [Is there a glimmer of hope? It's all she has to cling to, and she does so, desperately.

She really was giving everything she had to someone that couldn't take it seriously, after all, wasn't she, the trust issues, the cynicism, the years of insecurity and rage at a world that never felt like it cared about her whisper. It's just like everything else in her life. Why would she ever think anything changed?] You just magically gained some kind of conscience?

[ He shakes his head. Trying to put this into words is...difficult. Minato has never been much of an introspective person. How he thought was fairly simple, at least in the beginning. Things were and things weren't, if he cared to look, and he didn't mind the rest of the world just being a single shade of gray. He didn't want to exert the energy on caring, because getting up and going in the morning was a big enough commitment as it was.

But he doesn't say any of that. He's learned a lot about himself over the past year, before coming to Blanc. At least he's learned that he should be honest with her.

As pained as she looks, he keeps his gaze on her. ]

...

[ A huff at her comment, and a pause. How...does he say this... ]

For a long time I really didn't care. People lived and people died. People come in and out of your life...So what? At the end of the day, everyone ends up in the same place...so why bother with the details.

[ He looks down at his hand. ]

...That's why I could use your Evoker, on that night. I thought, "if this is real, then either I'm dying now or dying when that thing gets us." It...didn't really matter what the outcome was.

[ He let's his hand drop. ]

...I didn't care. I really didn't. And it was...quiet. I liked it.

[ After a long pause, Minato looks up again. ]

But living in the dorm wasn't quiet, especially when more people moved in. I could hear Junpei down the hall, tripping over something or yelling at a video game. I could hear Akihiko-senpai going at his punching bag. I could hear you when you watched TV above me. It was just...noisy. But...not bad.

[ He thought he'd be more annoyed. ]

When Mitsuru-senpai and Akihiko-senpai asked me to keep being the leader, I didn't get it. I thought it was just because I had this ability, but...I realized I was in charge of you guys. And that I didn't actually want to see you get hurt.

[ Shoving his hand in his pocket, he does look away this time, eyes unfocused in the distance. ]

I don't really know when it happened. I just...had things to look forward to when I woke up. People I wanted to see...Like you.

[ Minato turns his gaze back to her, hair shadowing more of his face than usual. ]

I know it doesn't make me a better person or a better friend. But I don't want you to think that I don't care about what happens to you. Or how you feel.

[Not as bad as she was fearing... not as good as she had hoped. But at the moment, the sudden spike of insecurity subsides. She's safe, then, in a manner of speaking. She didn't just lose her best friend over some stupidity borne of magic or whatever the hell happened. And he... actually might give half a shit about what she has to say. Or feel. He fidgets a lot, and it makes it easier to keep a steady gaze on him. No pressure or anything!

Accepting the explanation comes with a slight relaxation of her stance, and Yukari laces her fingers together behind her back. Her throat, at least, has unlocked, and though the tone trembles with the tears she's still holding onto, it sounds firmer than before.] ... I guess... if you can admit to it... you're still learning then, huh?

[She's rubbing the edge of her own finger behind her back with her thumb, trying to think of a good response to continue on with this. None of her companions from back home are very good with emotions; their own, or someone else's, and while Yukari has a natural empathetic side, she's really not much different. Especially with her own emotions. Especially.] Cuz there's still a lot of people out there that could've been hurt by what you did. But... I guess you gotta start with those you know first, right? [And that is her diverting the attention back away from herself. Because, fuck that, she isn't talking about her own feelings here, she'd rather swallow it all and pretend nothing's wrong until it kills her. Or, more appropriately, until she bursts at the seams and it all comes back up at once.]

... I... [She frowns. Should she say it? Maybe she really should just... say it out loud.] Guess that explains why it always feel like I'm putting in a lot more than I'm getting out of this, too. Even just having you as a friend, but...

[She grimaces, glancing away, and then back at him.] You're still the only person I've ever thought of as my best friend. And even about my best friend I sometimes wonder how invested you ever are in anything at all. [Pause.] Turns out it really wasn't a whole lot, but... I guess I was being too harsh, cuz I can understand why you'd want to give up on the world. Feels like it gave up on you, right? And... you really did get better about it. I just hope you keep going that way.

[She presses her lips together. She's very, very roundabout getting to something here -] I guess what I'm saying is... we're even.

[ He watches Yukari a little more carefully than usual, paying mind to how she holds her hands and whens he looks away from him. Little things that he noticed before but never really thought about in any detail. He knows how she feels in many respects, but not always why or, really, how he should be feeling in return. And he does feel, which was the point of being honest to her, even if it's not as apparent.

Still, that doesn't mean Yukari or any of his friends should be left guessing. If anything, he's learning that not only does he need to think more about how people might be affected by him, but also that the people he cares about need to know that he does.

Feels like it gave up on you, right? He never really thought about it that way before, but...that's probably not far from the truth. Once his parents died, Minato figured out quickly it was easier not to care than to let things affect him. Getting shuffled around between relatives because no one ever really wanted him around, that lingering feeling that he was missing something. It just...it wasn't worth it. He did give up.

But not anymore.

...We're even.

> You feel that the chasm between you two has closed... ]

You have reconciled with Yukari...

The Lovers Social Link has been repaired!

Your power to create Persona of the Lovers Arcana has returned!

[ He has his moment, of course, at staring a little blankly out into the sky. Once he returns back to Earth, though, he stares at Yukari for a quiet moment. Then, he holds out his hand to her with a very sincere look in his eyes. ]

Thanks. I'm not sure if I deserve that, but I really didn't want to lose you.

[There's a moment that she just looks at his hand, and maybe for a moment, looks like she's deciding against taking it.

"But I really didn't want to lose you."

There's something about the way he says that, and something about the look in his eye that makes her choke up again, though this time... she's really not sure why. She's not sad, so it has to be...] ... Idiot.

[Interrupted by tsun, is what it has to be. Or maybe not as much tsun as it seems.] You really think I wanted to just be one of those people to abandon you, too? Why do you think I feel so crappy about what I said?

[She reaches out, grabs his hand, and steps forward with it.] I meant when I said you're my best friend. You're one of the only friends I have in this place... [And, one more thing she's not saying, she was a little terrified she'd really irked him or made him want to leave. Because that would mean she'd be alone again.]

[ To abandon him? Hm. No, that's not exactly what he was worried about, nor would he ever think about it that way in regards to Yukari, at least. He'd accepted the very real possibility he'd done something he couldn't set right with her. That would mean the ball was in his court, not hers. His mistake, not her simply leaving him behind.

He shakes his head. ]

...You're not that sort of person. But it's natural to worry when you've hurt someone you care about, right?

[ See? Look at him learning how to human.

But, he is curious about that last part, satisfied as he is when she takes his hand. He let's his fingers curl around hers as he studies her quietly for a moment. ]

You don't feel like you have many friends here?

Yeah. It is. [They can have a competition over who would be worse off if the other left. Oh wait, it's Yukari. It's always Yukari. His question makes her pause, then shake her head, slowly.]

I've met... a lot of people here. And there's a lot of 'em I'd trust when we get sent out exploring to not... kill us all. More than I trust me, I guess...

But friends? Not... not really. Maybe a couple. Even then, I doubt I'd tell them half the stuff I tell you.

[ Hm. So...that's how she gauging friendships, then. It isn't just people you get along with, but people you trust? Minato has a much broader understanding, or rather a much broader application, but maybe that's because he doesn't usually feel the need to share much about himself. He never really has.

Why? he asks himself. Because no one cared to ask in the first place? Maybe. But honestly a big part of it is he just didn't want to waste the energy. ]

...Are you lonely?

[Ready for a not answer? He's about to get a not answer.]

... I'm used to it.

[That's her secret, Cap:

She's always lonely.]

[ Yeah, he understands that well enough. He's quiet for a moment, contemplative in a way that she might recognize. He tends to withdraw and pull into himself as he does, but he comes back out of it fairly quickly. ]

...But you're not alone.

[ Minato squeezes her hand, as if to make a point. ]

[It's okay. She's not looking directly at him, though hearing him talk, she does look at where their hands are joined. It's... hard not to feel kind of isolated in a place like this. She's down to only two people she's known from home, and while there's been plenty of other friendly folks, she isn't entirely sure she trusts any of them enough. He's really the only one she does.]

You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. [She does it all the time.] But... I get what you mean. I would've been if I'd really chased you off, though...

[ It's an interesting conundrum, really. When he thinks about it, Yukari is a type of person people would logically gravitate more towards than himself. But he realizes the issue is not that people don't want to spend time with her. It's difficult for her to trust and let people in, most of SEES are like that, really, and with good reason. Minato is similarly in no place to judge, absorbing information about others rather than sharing.

The biggest difference is he's never felt like he needed to have someone to share these things with. He's okay with keeping it to himself.

But...is he still like that? He'd made a point to reach out to Souji after his last talk with Yukari. Maybe that's what she's looking for. ]

...It's not the same as back in Port Island, is it?

... No. [She shakes her head, then sighs.] It's all totally different. And I still feel totally out of my element, with being a soldier. I just... wanna go home. Where if I fall off that damn tower, at least it'd be only my own fault, and I wouldn't have to wake up and chew everyone out even if I don't want to.

[ She's right to feel that way. She's not a soldier, and in many respects, she shouldn't have to be. But she is someone who knows how to fight and has a keen sense of right and wrong. She's a valuable asset, someone he knows will always have his back on the battlefield. Is that why they picked her? ]

...It's selfish, [ He begins in a moment of surprising candidness. ] Because I like having you here.

[ A part of him does feel guilty knowing she's having such a hard time. ]

...But I'll make sure that you get home someday if I can.

[He likes having her here. That catches her, because he doesn't usually say anything like that. For a brief moment, she merely has an awestruck look, before she grabs the surprise and shoves it back under a less open veneer.

She's having a hard time because she has a place at home and a future. Things haven't gone completely to shit, but she's also not from far enough past it, either, that she should be over it. That miiiiight just be the difference between them. He's going home to being a door. Not that she knows that, so it's easy for her to say:] ... But I'm not going anywhere without you, if I can help it. [There's a stubborn set to the way she says it. Like she'll fight anyone who argues. Even if it's him.]

You're all that - [Pause. No. That's not what she wants to say, and she shakes her head. She's already said he's her only real close friend here.] No, what I want to say is... I'm not going to leave you alone, either. [Literally leaving alone, of course, not in the more casual sense of 'constantly bugging'.] Not if... I don't have to.

[ That hurts.

Because he knows he can't, it's not something that's ever going to happen. But...it's better that she doesn't know that, isn't it? Better that she can at least believe for a while longer that everything isn't going to get ten times more complicated. He knows it's the way things should be, in the end, yet sometimes it's hard to accept.

So he offers her a small, quiet smile. An attempt at reassurance. ]

...Yeah. I know.

[He has such a nice smile. It's not something she ever feels like she wants to tell no.

Even if she has to sometimes, for everyone's sake. Including his own.]

So let's just... not do that again. I mean, I won't hesitate to come back down on you for another stunt like the book thing, but...

... I don't... ever wanna do that again. And I don't wanna yell at you like I did after I...

... After we failed at the dungeon, either.

You're too important to me to lose like that.

[ He shakes his head, quietly reaching out to take her other hand in his if she'll let him. ]

...It's okay. I think I needed to hear it. [ It definitely put quite a few things in perspective for him. ] ...And I know I'm not the best at telling people, so I'm telling you now...you're important to me too. I didn't really have friends before you and Junpei.

[She's not really in the mood to tell him no - she really is just sort of stuck being glad, so glad he doesn't think she hates him or wants to...

... Wants to leave her alone again.

So the other hand is a go. In fact, she's rather curious as to where this is going to go, and it ends in her look staying... soft. Very soft. Maybe he did need to hear it, but she could've brought it up with a little more tact. She can't argue, though, because he continues.

Hm. So now how to handle this-] That's funny, I never had any real close friends before Junpei, either. [They have the dumb but endearing Magician in common there, at least.] But I think... you've been the first person I can call a best friend, or anything like it. Ever. [But him saying she's important... she hopes it doesn't show on her face, the way her heart leaps and throbs and hurts at that revelation. She can't tell him there's more to it than that. Not yet... she hasn't accepted it for herself yet - this isn't a rank 10 revelation - but there's something there she needs to figure out how to articulate.

Maybe later. Maybe not until they get home. But it'll come some day.]

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