Yukari "Best Ass In SEES" Takeba (
couldntpullthetrigger) wrote2016-03-03 08:11 am
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Leave a message for Yukari; don't worry, her eagle will make sure to get it to her.
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He's not entirely sure what to say in response. Yukari is someone he's always had to be careful choosing his words around, but he's never felt like he's on such thin ice before, having already taken a few missteps and fallen into the lake.
As they stop, he takes a long, long pause of his own, slowly working over the words in his head. He's learned a lot about the dialogue that's available to him and the reactions it can garner. He didn't used to care. There was definitely something simpler about all of that. ]
...Is it? [ He shakes his head. ] ...What you went through--... [ He's struggling, clearly. ] --I'm sorry that it happened. You didn't deserve it.
[ Even what she's said because of it, she's forgetting that she's a victim of something here. Yukari's strong and doesn't like to see herself in that light, but he doesn't think it's fair to her to completely shift all the guilt because of it. He means what he says, she didn't deserve it. ]
Not supposed to be said...doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Right?
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She does laugh, though.] Yeah, but I was the one who fucked it up. I brought all those monsters onto us. So. Maybe I didn't deserve it, but it's still my fault.
[She's not letting him win that one so easily.
She still inhales, so deep the air shudders as her lungs fill completely. Right. Now they're back to the other thing she fucked up.]
You can think bad things about people sometimes and not believe them. [Her wise words.] I said, didn't I...? It's just another insecurity.
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An insecurity, huh? ]
...But you're not wrong. [ He might as well confirm it. ] Not entirely.
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Makes it very, very hard to breathe. Her chest is tight and painful, and her hands clench, tight, at her sides. Her voice shakes when she speaks, but she shoves a smile out to hide it.] Y-yeah? I don't know if I like being right this time. What's 'not entirely' mean, though? [Is there a glimmer of hope? It's all she has to cling to, and she does so, desperately.
She really was giving everything she had to someone that couldn't take it seriously, after all, wasn't she, the trust issues, the cynicism, the years of insecurity and rage at a world that never felt like it cared about her whisper. It's just like everything else in her life. Why would she ever think anything changed?] You just magically gained some kind of conscience?
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But he doesn't say any of that. He's learned a lot about himself over the past year, before coming to Blanc. At least he's learned that he should be honest with her.
As pained as she looks, he keeps his gaze on her. ]
...
[ A huff at her comment, and a pause. How...does he say this... ]
For a long time I really didn't care. People lived and people died. People come in and out of your life...So what? At the end of the day, everyone ends up in the same place...so why bother with the details.
[ He looks down at his hand. ]
...That's why I could use your Evoker, on that night. I thought, "if this is real, then either I'm dying now or dying when that thing gets us." It...didn't really matter what the outcome was.
[ He let's his hand drop. ]
...I didn't care. I really didn't. And it was...quiet. I liked it.
[ After a long pause, Minato looks up again. ]
But living in the dorm wasn't quiet, especially when more people moved in. I could hear Junpei down the hall, tripping over something or yelling at a video game. I could hear Akihiko-senpai going at his punching bag. I could hear you when you watched TV above me. It was just...noisy. But...not bad.
[ He thought he'd be more annoyed. ]
When Mitsuru-senpai and Akihiko-senpai asked me to keep being the leader, I didn't get it. I thought it was just because I had this ability, but...I realized I was in charge of you guys. And that I didn't actually want to see you get hurt.
[ Shoving his hand in his pocket, he does look away this time, eyes unfocused in the distance. ]
I don't really know when it happened. I just...had things to look forward to when I woke up. People I wanted to see...Like you.
[ Minato turns his gaze back to her, hair shadowing more of his face than usual. ]
I know it doesn't make me a better person or a better friend. But I don't want you to think that I don't care about what happens to you. Or how you feel.
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Accepting the explanation comes with a slight relaxation of her stance, and Yukari laces her fingers together behind her back. Her throat, at least, has unlocked, and though the tone trembles with the tears she's still holding onto, it sounds firmer than before.] ... I guess... if you can admit to it... you're still learning then, huh?
[She's rubbing the edge of her own finger behind her back with her thumb, trying to think of a good response to continue on with this. None of her companions from back home are very good with emotions; their own, or someone else's, and while Yukari has a natural empathetic side, she's really not much different. Especially with her own emotions. Especially.] Cuz there's still a lot of people out there that could've been hurt by what you did. But... I guess you gotta start with those you know first, right? [And that is her diverting the attention back away from herself. Because, fuck that, she isn't talking about her own feelings here, she'd rather swallow it all and pretend nothing's wrong until it kills her. Or, more appropriately, until she bursts at the seams and it all comes back up at once.]
... I... [She frowns. Should she say it? Maybe she really should just... say it out loud.] Guess that explains why it always feel like I'm putting in a lot more than I'm getting out of this, too. Even just having you as a friend, but...
[She grimaces, glancing away, and then back at him.] You're still the only person I've ever thought of as my best friend. And even about my best friend I sometimes wonder how invested you ever are in anything at all. [Pause.] Turns out it really wasn't a whole lot, but... I guess I was being too harsh, cuz I can understand why you'd want to give up on the world. Feels like it gave up on you, right? And... you really did get better about it. I just hope you keep going that way.
[She presses her lips together. She's very, very roundabout getting to something here -] I guess what I'm saying is... we're even.
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Still, that doesn't mean Yukari or any of his friends should be left guessing. If anything, he's learning that not only does he need to think more about how people might be affected by him, but also that the people he cares about need to know that he does.
Feels like it gave up on you, right? He never really thought about it that way before, but...that's probably not far from the truth. Once his parents died, Minato figured out quickly it was easier not to care than to let things affect him. Getting shuffled around between relatives because no one ever really wanted him around, that lingering feeling that he was missing something. It just...it wasn't worth it. He did give up.
But not anymore.
...We're even.
> You feel that the chasm between you two has closed... ]
[ He has his moment, of course, at staring a little blankly out into the sky. Once he returns back to Earth, though, he stares at Yukari for a quiet moment. Then, he holds out his hand to her with a very sincere look in his eyes. ]
Thanks. I'm not sure if I deserve that, but I really didn't want to lose you.
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"But I really didn't want to lose you."
There's something about the way he says that, and something about the look in his eye that makes her choke up again, though this time... she's really not sure why. She's not sad, so it has to be...] ... Idiot.
[Interrupted by tsun, is what it has to be. Or maybe not as much tsun as it seems.] You really think I wanted to just be one of those people to abandon you, too? Why do you think I feel so crappy about what I said?
[She reaches out, grabs his hand, and steps forward with it.] I meant when I said you're my best friend. You're one of the only friends I have in this place... [And, one more thing she's not saying, she was a little terrified she'd really irked him or made him want to leave. Because that would mean she'd be alone again.]
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He shakes his head. ]
...You're not that sort of person. But it's natural to worry when you've hurt someone you care about, right?
[ See? Look at him learning how to human.
But, he is curious about that last part, satisfied as he is when she takes his hand. He let's his fingers curl around hers as he studies her quietly for a moment. ]
You don't feel like you have many friends here?
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I've met... a lot of people here. And there's a lot of 'em I'd trust when we get sent out exploring to not... kill us all. More than I trust me, I guess...
But friends? Not... not really. Maybe a couple. Even then, I doubt I'd tell them half the stuff I tell you.
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Why? he asks himself. Because no one cared to ask in the first place? Maybe. But honestly a big part of it is he just didn't want to waste the energy. ]
...Are you lonely?
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... I'm used to it.
[That's her secret, Cap:
She's always lonely.]
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...But you're not alone.
[ Minato squeezes her hand, as if to make a point. ]
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You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. [She does it all the time.] But... I get what you mean. I would've been if I'd really chased you off, though...
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The biggest difference is he's never felt like he needed to have someone to share these things with. He's okay with keeping it to himself.
But...is he still like that? He'd made a point to reach out to Souji after his last talk with Yukari. Maybe that's what she's looking for. ]
...It's not the same as back in Port Island, is it?
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...It's selfish, [ He begins in a moment of surprising candidness. ] Because I like having you here.
[ A part of him does feel guilty knowing she's having such a hard time. ]
...But I'll make sure that you get home someday if I can.
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She's having a hard time because she has a place at home and a future. Things haven't gone completely to shit, but she's also not from far enough past it, either, that she should be over it. That miiiiight just be the difference between them. He's going home to being a door. Not that she knows that, so it's easy for her to say:] ... But I'm not going anywhere without you, if I can help it. [There's a stubborn set to the way she says it. Like she'll fight anyone who argues. Even if it's him.]
You're all that - [Pause. No. That's not what she wants to say, and she shakes her head. She's already said he's her only real close friend here.] No, what I want to say is... I'm not going to leave you alone, either. [Literally leaving alone, of course, not in the more casual sense of 'constantly bugging'.] Not if... I don't have to.
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Because he knows he can't, it's not something that's ever going to happen. But...it's better that she doesn't know that, isn't it? Better that she can at least believe for a while longer that everything isn't going to get ten times more complicated. He knows it's the way things should be, in the end, yet sometimes it's hard to accept.
So he offers her a small, quiet smile. An attempt at reassurance. ]
...Yeah. I know.
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Even if she has to sometimes, for everyone's sake. Including his own.]
So let's just... not do that again. I mean, I won't hesitate to come back down on you for another stunt like the book thing, but...
... I don't... ever wanna do that again. And I don't wanna yell at you like I did after I...
... After we failed at the dungeon, either.
You're too important to me to lose like that.
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...It's okay. I think I needed to hear it. [ It definitely put quite a few things in perspective for him. ] ...And I know I'm not the best at telling people, so I'm telling you now...you're important to me too. I didn't really have friends before you and Junpei.
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... Wants to leave her alone again.
So the other hand is a go. In fact, she's rather curious as to where this is going to go, and it ends in her look staying... soft. Very soft. Maybe he did need to hear it, but she could've brought it up with a little more tact. She can't argue, though, because he continues.
Hm. So now how to handle this-] That's funny, I never had any real close friends before Junpei, either. [They have the dumb but endearing Magician in common there, at least.] But I think... you've been the first person I can call a best friend, or anything like it. Ever. [But him saying she's important... she hopes it doesn't show on her face, the way her heart leaps and throbs and hurts at that revelation. She can't tell him there's more to it than that. Not yet... she hasn't accepted it for herself yet - this isn't a rank 10 revelation - but there's something there she needs to figure out how to articulate.
Maybe later. Maybe not until they get home. But it'll come some day.]
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A best friend, huh? A part of him wants to say, "Don't worry, you and Mitsuru-senpai will work it out. You'll have people after I'm gone." Of course he doesn't. This Yukari...she's holding onto him. It's a dull hurt knowing that he's eventually going to betray this trust she's put in him, but he knows that...that she'll have people. She'll be okay.
She'll be okay. ]
I'd ask if that means I get a cool bracelet, but Kenji already beat you to it.
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So of course she's holding on to the one friend she has.
It doesn't help that she's also sure she's in l-
... No, she'll discuss that later.]
Yeah? Mr. Popular over here. I guess I'll have to give you something else. Lemme think about it. [Is it her ass? It might be her ass.
Not literally.]
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So it's plenty. ]
I could go for a necklace. I'm easy.
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