couldntpullthetrigger | IC Inbox for crosschecks

[ A part of him really wasn't expecting a reply. He's kind of come to terms with the fact that this Social Link may not be salvageable at this point. Why does it matter to continue these things after he's died, anyway? It's not like he's getting any Fusion advantage like before. Clearly he's not doing something right.

Besides, it'd be better for her in the event that people do remember this place when they return home. She wouldn't feel like she's missing out on much.

So when he gets the note in return, he's surprised. He sits on it, for a while. It's fairly innocuous. And sounds a lot more like her already. ]

Yeah, you did.

[ Might as well confirm it. Will she be upset at him for not trying to save her dignity? Hard to WHEN YOURS IS ALREADY CRUSHED. ]

[... Fuck. This is... so not the answer she wanted to hear. So if she did walk naked out of the hot springs, then that means she said everything she did, and did everything she did, and...

... Goddamnit.

She gnaws the inside of her lip for a good, long time after that - almost an hour, at least - before she decides... this has to be talked about. She feels like ass about saying some of that; even if he'd humiliated people in public, it didn't warrant that kind of backlash, what she'd given was good enough, so that must have been something else... and she doesn't know what.]

You free for a while?

[ So much is happening all the time. Basically.

He really wasn't expecting her to want to talk to him like that, either. Normally he'd just try and see if he'd already promised to meet someone else before accepting, but he takes pause. To be honest, he hasn't been leaving his room as much as before, having spent some time reflecting on what she'd said.

Hm.

He's just...well. He figures the worst that could happen is he'd break the Social Link for good. But he realized that it's a distinct possibility after their last encounter. ]

Yeah.

[ He's short when he speaks most of the time, but not usually this short with her. He reconsiders before adding at the bottom: ]

Did you want to talk?

[Here's a concept: Why does it have to be about the Social Link?

Why can't it be about her actual feelings? Both of their actual feelings? Instead of some arbitrary rating system he doesn't actually need?

But, she can't read minds and doesn't know game mechanics, so that's not a comment she can make.]

Yeah. Only if you want to, though. [She must be feeling some semblance of 'better' though, because it seems the gentleness is back.]

[ That's exactly what Social Links are, or at least what they've become. He didn't really care to get to know people, what they wanted or what they were feeling. They were an incentive and reason for him to do so, and somewhere down the line, he actually started caring.

It's gross. And the sacrifice of actually caring means you can get hurt. He knows he upset Yukari, but she also hurt him in a way he hadn't at all anticipated. It'd be much easier to just slip back into old habits and even pretend it doesn't affect him, but it has. He can't exactly blame her, though. Because in many ways she isn't wrong--that's how he conducted most of his life.

Feelings are hard.

The amount of time he takes to respond is probably easy to write off to the fact that it's a well-known meal time, but he's actually not in the dining hall. In his room, petting his carrier on the head, he actually asks himself, Do I want to? Because it risks her point being driven further and he's not sure if he wants to open himself up to that again.

After a long while, she'll get a note that says simply, ]

I do.

[She supposes 'waiting a while' turnabout is fair play, but she can't go out to mealtime without worrying too much, so she sits in her room, as well.

... Argus is not nearly so good or pettable of company as a cat, but she wonders if it's being protective somehow with the way it perches nearby her bed, continuously scanning the room.

At least, until it hacks up the next note. She turns it around quickly, though, now that she has some confirmation, and the rock-feeling in her gut isn't as bad. Or at least, she realizes she has to act now or it'll get so bad she can't.]

Wanna meet up by the Oubliette and figure out where to go from there?

[Since the rooms are shared, using them would be a bad idea.]

[ He's quicker to respond this time, although there's still a slight lag. The fact that Shirosaba wanted some pets for doing all this note barfing is part of it. ]

That's fine.

Now?

[ He's not doing much. ]

[Well, that's promising. She looks out the window. It's still early enough. Probably.] Yeah, if you want.

[ Alright. Guess...they're doing this. Minato sighs, looking at his carrier for a long moment before solidifying their plans. ]

OK. See you soon.

[Yeah. Guess they are.

Of course, as soon as the plans are mentioned, Yukari doesn't want to anymore. It takes Argus grabbing the shoulder of her shirt in its beak to get her to stand up, and the trudge out to the Oubliette is rife with her staring at her feet, willing them to keep going on until they get there, even though every step feels like it becomes heavier and heavier.

It's a couple lifetimes before she gets to the tree, or so it seems... really not much longer than someone walking at a leisurely pace, and the ache, cold and guilty and heavy spreads into her gut until her whole torso feels like a chunk of icy rock.

This is fine.

Totally fine.

She's just going to set up shop leaning against the trunk, and stare anywhere but directly ahead of her and wait.]

[ Yukari beats him to the tree. Minato moves at leisurely pace, but more because he's...well, he's stalling. Just a little. To be frank, he's not looking forward to another verbal lashing, but he can't imagine she would have something else to say. Or at least he hopes not. He did consider them friends, but maybe...he just wasn't enough.

He does make it eventually. He pauses a distance away, hands in his pockets as he just watches her for a moment. By her posture, he figures that this isn't exactly her ideal situation either.

Looks like he's going to make the first step.

So he does, closing most of the space between them until he stops a few feet away. Not as close as he usually would, not wanting to invade her space. Shirosaba trots up behind him. ]

Hey.

[She knows he's there - her eyes flick down to him briefly, but she doesn't look at him, at first. Well, this turned sufficiently awkward at sort of a record pace. What in the world do you tell someone you accidentally blurted out you don't think they feel what they say they do to their face? They don't feel anything at all?

Finally, she looks down, and meets his eyes. Or at least for as long as he can look in her direction.] Hey. [There's a long, bloated pause, before she sighs.]

Let's... let's just get out of here, alright? [The Oubliette is a bad place to talk about this stuff, what with so many Heroes around, and it would be conspicuous if anything went... wrong.

Besides, walking gives them the excuse to take longer to start the whole thing. Even if it makes her, more and more, want to just be quiet and pretend nothing is wrong and just move away from the whole thing - run far, far away from it.

No, she can't do that.]

... And... I wish I knew better what to say. I guess I could apologize, but would that even do any good?

[ She responds...eventually. That's a good step, at least. And she looks about how she sounded in her notes, if that makes any sense. His brows pinch just a little, most of his expressions edging on the side of subtle.

To her suggestion, he nods. Simple, as usual. Though he'd honestly agree to almost anything she wanted at this point. Desperate to un-reverse a Social Link? Yeah. He's feeling it, although maybe not for the reasons she thinks.

So they can start to walk, though...she makes him pause.

Does she need to apologize? ]

...

[ He looks down at the ground for a moment. Shirosaba comes into view by rubbing against his leg, offering moral support. ]

...You don't need to apologize.

[ Minato shifts his gaze back up to Yukari, somehow his hair hiding more of his face than usual. ]

...If that's what you really think, then...I needed to hear it.

But that's not what I - [She wants to protest, but somehow, chokes on what she's about to say.]

L-look, I don't... know what happened after we all fell off that tower, but Irisviel-san... she was so cruel when she woke up. And Nobunaga-san... she was timid, like I'm pretty sure she definitely was not when I first met her. And me... I was just... I couldn't feel anything, really. And... cynical. Like I could say something so mean and it wouldn't matter, so I guess I did. It's like... it's like we were completely the opposite of ourselves, even though I don't know those two very well. [Maybe talking about circumstances will help a little? She laces her fingers together, and holds them behind her back, turning away from him.]

... And then suddenly, just a couple days afterward, I had such a bad nightmare... about falling off that tower, and when I woke up... it's like I could suddenly feel stuff again. Like I was suddenly back to normal, if not worse and... I don't know.

[But she slows after that, coming to a complete stop as she looks at the sky.]

... But I guess that's just an excuse, huh?

I didn't mean it to be that cold. It's just... another one of my insecurities, I guess. So maybe I should say I'm sorry. 'Cuz it wasn't ever supposed to be said, let alone... become a problem.

[ Completely opposite of themselves? What's the point in doing that to people? Yukari said that she'd died, somehow brought back. Isn't dying a punishment enough? He watches her quietly as she talks, explaining.

He's not entirely sure what to say in response. Yukari is someone he's always had to be careful choosing his words around, but he's never felt like he's on such thin ice before, having already taken a few missteps and fallen into the lake.

As they stop, he takes a long, long pause of his own, slowly working over the words in his head. He's learned a lot about the dialogue that's available to him and the reactions it can garner. He didn't used to care. There was definitely something simpler about all of that. ]

...Is it? [ He shakes his head. ] ...What you went through--... [ He's struggling, clearly. ] --I'm sorry that it happened. You didn't deserve it.

[ Even what she's said because of it, she's forgetting that she's a victim of something here. Yukari's strong and doesn't like to see herself in that light, but he doesn't think it's fair to her to completely shift all the guilt because of it. He means what he says, she didn't deserve it. ]

Not supposed to be said...doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Right?

[He might be on thinner ice if she didn't feel so guilty about what she said. Luckily, she managed to snap herself with the recoil. Puts them on much more even footing.

She does laugh, though.] Yeah, but I was the one who fucked it up. I brought all those monsters onto us. So. Maybe I didn't deserve it, but it's still my fault.

[She's not letting him win that one so easily.

She still inhales, so deep the air shudders as her lungs fill completely. Right. Now they're back to the other thing she fucked up.]

You can think bad things about people sometimes and not believe them. [Her wise words.] I said, didn't I...? It's just another insecurity.

[ He's not sure if he'd say it's her fault, but...he understands where she's coming from. She feels a sense of responsibility and that's not surprising when it's Yukari.

An insecurity, huh? ]

...But you're not wrong. [ He might as well confirm it. ] Not entirely.

[This tied into something worse than that. This tied into a feeling like he never cared about her to begin with. That all her fears about chasing things she couldn't really have were right, and the affirmation...

Makes it very, very hard to breathe. Her chest is tight and painful, and her hands clench, tight, at her sides. Her voice shakes when she speaks, but she shoves a smile out to hide it.] Y-yeah? I don't know if I like being right this time. What's 'not entirely' mean, though? [Is there a glimmer of hope? It's all she has to cling to, and she does so, desperately.

She really was giving everything she had to someone that couldn't take it seriously, after all, wasn't she, the trust issues, the cynicism, the years of insecurity and rage at a world that never felt like it cared about her whisper. It's just like everything else in her life. Why would she ever think anything changed?] You just magically gained some kind of conscience?

[ He shakes his head. Trying to put this into words is...difficult. Minato has never been much of an introspective person. How he thought was fairly simple, at least in the beginning. Things were and things weren't, if he cared to look, and he didn't mind the rest of the world just being a single shade of gray. He didn't want to exert the energy on caring, because getting up and going in the morning was a big enough commitment as it was.

But he doesn't say any of that. He's learned a lot about himself over the past year, before coming to Blanc. At least he's learned that he should be honest with her.

As pained as she looks, he keeps his gaze on her. ]

...

[ A huff at her comment, and a pause. How...does he say this... ]

For a long time I really didn't care. People lived and people died. People come in and out of your life...So what? At the end of the day, everyone ends up in the same place...so why bother with the details.

[ He looks down at his hand. ]

...That's why I could use your Evoker, on that night. I thought, "if this is real, then either I'm dying now or dying when that thing gets us." It...didn't really matter what the outcome was.

[ He let's his hand drop. ]

...I didn't care. I really didn't. And it was...quiet. I liked it.

[ After a long pause, Minato looks up again. ]

But living in the dorm wasn't quiet, especially when more people moved in. I could hear Junpei down the hall, tripping over something or yelling at a video game. I could hear Akihiko-senpai going at his punching bag. I could hear you when you watched TV above me. It was just...noisy. But...not bad.

[ He thought he'd be more annoyed. ]

When Mitsuru-senpai and Akihiko-senpai asked me to keep being the leader, I didn't get it. I thought it was just because I had this ability, but...I realized I was in charge of you guys. And that I didn't actually want to see you get hurt.

[ Shoving his hand in his pocket, he does look away this time, eyes unfocused in the distance. ]

I don't really know when it happened. I just...had things to look forward to when I woke up. People I wanted to see...Like you.

[ Minato turns his gaze back to her, hair shadowing more of his face than usual. ]

I know it doesn't make me a better person or a better friend. But I don't want you to think that I don't care about what happens to you. Or how you feel.

[Not as bad as she was fearing... not as good as she had hoped. But at the moment, the sudden spike of insecurity subsides. She's safe, then, in a manner of speaking. She didn't just lose her best friend over some stupidity borne of magic or whatever the hell happened. And he... actually might give half a shit about what she has to say. Or feel. He fidgets a lot, and it makes it easier to keep a steady gaze on him. No pressure or anything!

Accepting the explanation comes with a slight relaxation of her stance, and Yukari laces her fingers together behind her back. Her throat, at least, has unlocked, and though the tone trembles with the tears she's still holding onto, it sounds firmer than before.] ... I guess... if you can admit to it... you're still learning then, huh?

[She's rubbing the edge of her own finger behind her back with her thumb, trying to think of a good response to continue on with this. None of her companions from back home are very good with emotions; their own, or someone else's, and while Yukari has a natural empathetic side, she's really not much different. Especially with her own emotions. Especially.] Cuz there's still a lot of people out there that could've been hurt by what you did. But... I guess you gotta start with those you know first, right? [And that is her diverting the attention back away from herself. Because, fuck that, she isn't talking about her own feelings here, she'd rather swallow it all and pretend nothing's wrong until it kills her. Or, more appropriately, until she bursts at the seams and it all comes back up at once.]

... I... [She frowns. Should she say it? Maybe she really should just... say it out loud.] Guess that explains why it always feel like I'm putting in a lot more than I'm getting out of this, too. Even just having you as a friend, but...

[She grimaces, glancing away, and then back at him.] You're still the only person I've ever thought of as my best friend. And even about my best friend I sometimes wonder how invested you ever are in anything at all. [Pause.] Turns out it really wasn't a whole lot, but... I guess I was being too harsh, cuz I can understand why you'd want to give up on the world. Feels like it gave up on you, right? And... you really did get better about it. I just hope you keep going that way.

[She presses her lips together. She's very, very roundabout getting to something here -] I guess what I'm saying is... we're even.

[ He watches Yukari a little more carefully than usual, paying mind to how she holds her hands and whens he looks away from him. Little things that he noticed before but never really thought about in any detail. He knows how she feels in many respects, but not always why or, really, how he should be feeling in return. And he does feel, which was the point of being honest to her, even if it's not as apparent.

Still, that doesn't mean Yukari or any of his friends should be left guessing. If anything, he's learning that not only does he need to think more about how people might be affected by him, but also that the people he cares about need to know that he does.

Feels like it gave up on you, right? He never really thought about it that way before, but...that's probably not far from the truth. Once his parents died, Minato figured out quickly it was easier not to care than to let things affect him. Getting shuffled around between relatives because no one ever really wanted him around, that lingering feeling that he was missing something. It just...it wasn't worth it. He did give up.

But not anymore.

...We're even.

> You feel that the chasm between you two has closed... ]

You have reconciled with Yukari...

The Lovers Social Link has been repaired!

Your power to create Persona of the Lovers Arcana has returned!

[ He has his moment, of course, at staring a little blankly out into the sky. Once he returns back to Earth, though, he stares at Yukari for a quiet moment. Then, he holds out his hand to her with a very sincere look in his eyes. ]

Thanks. I'm not sure if I deserve that, but I really didn't want to lose you.

[There's a moment that she just looks at his hand, and maybe for a moment, looks like she's deciding against taking it.

"But I really didn't want to lose you."

There's something about the way he says that, and something about the look in his eye that makes her choke up again, though this time... she's really not sure why. She's not sad, so it has to be...] ... Idiot.

[Interrupted by tsun, is what it has to be. Or maybe not as much tsun as it seems.] You really think I wanted to just be one of those people to abandon you, too? Why do you think I feel so crappy about what I said?

[She reaches out, grabs his hand, and steps forward with it.] I meant when I said you're my best friend. You're one of the only friends I have in this place... [And, one more thing she's not saying, she was a little terrified she'd really irked him or made him want to leave. Because that would mean she'd be alone again.]

[ To abandon him? Hm. No, that's not exactly what he was worried about, nor would he ever think about it that way in regards to Yukari, at least. He'd accepted the very real possibility he'd done something he couldn't set right with her. That would mean the ball was in his court, not hers. His mistake, not her simply leaving him behind.

He shakes his head. ]

...You're not that sort of person. But it's natural to worry when you've hurt someone you care about, right?

[ See? Look at him learning how to human.

But, he is curious about that last part, satisfied as he is when she takes his hand. He let's his fingers curl around hers as he studies her quietly for a moment. ]

You don't feel like you have many friends here?

Yeah. It is. [They can have a competition over who would be worse off if the other left. Oh wait, it's Yukari. It's always Yukari. His question makes her pause, then shake her head, slowly.]

I've met... a lot of people here. And there's a lot of 'em I'd trust when we get sent out exploring to not... kill us all. More than I trust me, I guess...

But friends? Not... not really. Maybe a couple. Even then, I doubt I'd tell them half the stuff I tell you.

[ Hm. So...that's how she gauging friendships, then. It isn't just people you get along with, but people you trust? Minato has a much broader understanding, or rather a much broader application, but maybe that's because he doesn't usually feel the need to share much about himself. He never really has.

Why? he asks himself. Because no one cared to ask in the first place? Maybe. But honestly a big part of it is he just didn't want to waste the energy. ]

...Are you lonely?

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nah he's just letting it fester because HE CAN'T FEEL IT ANYWAY RIGHT

she is still a healer, she can try to ease the pain a little. or at least put him out of his misery

just kill him now. oh wait he's already dead

"I can't heal you if you're dead". The manga is still the superior non-game adaptation

i love the manga there is no shame

Good. The manga is my favorite

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